On the 20th, I had a dream.
In it, you'd called me and told me that you had feelings for me, but that you couldn't confess earlier because you were still struggling with everything else.
We had a long talk, and we agreed to meet up the following day.
And I woke up delirious, thinking that everything I'd dreamt about had actually happened. All the serotonin turned to ash within a few minutes, as I opened my WhatsApp and saw no received calls in my call log nor any messages from you.
In my delirious state, I'd sent you a message.
“Ik ben zo blij, marmotje. Ik ben zo blij.”
But when I came to the realization that everything had happened in my own fucking mind, I deleted the message, and spent the next hour or two wishing the world to end.
I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I woke up I saw a missed call, a WhatsApp message and a text message from you.
The heart can't do anything but flutter at the thought that maybe, just maybe you I hadn't imagined my dream.
But when I saw the message, I knew it all to be a lie.
The dreams fade, but the feelings remain.
Fuck feelings.
How easy it is to give into despair.
The feeling of anxiousness has been steadily building for the past 2 days.
And this morning I can feel it constricting my airways.
I want to talk to her, but I don't want to give her a reason to say “no” again. As much as I feel like that has now become inevitable, I know that I will not be able to process it; I feel like I am at the precipice of collapse. And if I do collapse, I will not be able to recover.
I promise,
I swear to you,
I will be okay,
You're only the love of my life,
Nothing more.
If anything, watching you dance and have a good time made me the happiest person alive.
Ik weet dat ik voorbarig Ben, en nu dingen attribueer aan jou woorden, maar het heeft mij super blij gemaakt om jou reactie te zien.
Ik werd wakker verlangend naar jou.
Ik moet mijn naiviteit nu infeite veranderen. Ik moet minder verwachten. En ik moet dingen minder serieus nemen.
Ik zeg niets omdat ik niet weet wat ik moet zeggen. Er zijn zoveel dingen in mijn hoofd.
En als ik nu eerlijk ga zijn tegen over jou, ga jij dat als een reden gebruiken om mij weer te blokkeren. Hoewel ik nu ook in die dat als je elk keer die keuze maakt, het misschien zo is dat je nieteens contact wilt met mij. Moet ik dan toch blijven hopen?
Fuck het universum. Die angst en paniek die ik voelde had dus wel basis in waarheid. De universum zei dus tegen mij dat er iets aan de hand was met je. WAAROM?? Jij voelt niets voor mij. Waarom heeft de universum mij nu gebondenet jou?? Dus fuck de universum.