LordofMoonSpawn

In this day and age, being a hopeless romantic is a good way to break your heart into as many pieces as there are stars.

But I will still wait for you, because what I feel is real.

I am tired.

2 failed relationships.

1st one, I felt overwhelmed by how fast everything was going. I was young, inexperienced, still a student, and so unready. I have regrets, but we are really good friends. In her eyes, we are bff's, but I wouldn't go that far.

2nd one, was a messy breakup. I won't bore you with the details, but it broke me.

Took me 6 years to step into the dating scene again and take things seriously — to open myself up again.

And here I am. Broken again. Yearning for the end.

If there's one thing I have learned, it's that opening yourself up may not be the smartest move, even if your heart is telling you to do it.

Standing in the dark Hall of life, Looking at what was before, and anticipating what is to come, You get this feeling of hopelessness, Of things being out of your control.

The life you had imagined never came to be, The love you deserved never truly was.

Standing in the great Hall of life, looking backward you are filled with regret, just as you are filled with dread when you look forward.

To have not even een modicum of control over the outcome of anything fills you with pain and uncertainty.

The only thought going through your mind being: please let her reconsider (10000000^~x).

In the solitude of my thoughts, I have come to recognize that while it may be impossible for me to forget you, I still have to pretend to forget you. And in so, I have decided that I will try that.

My dreams are simple. Influenced by my longing for you, I see us in it.

Not much is said, not much is done, But in each other's company we find solitude from all that has scarred us.

Your gentle touches, the texture of your hair, your beautiful smile, the voice that breaks into a whisper.

When reality finally slams into my face, bringing with it the dread of an eternity without you, I remember it all in tears.

I would rather not exist in this reality, and so I long for my dreams.

My dreams are simple. In it, we are together.

And that is enough.

I was fighting yet losing many Wars, Intertwining and Suffering underneath deep Scars, Laughing with no joy and no cause, Crying for no purpose, no reason, nor any loss, Apathy spreading its wings around me — like a cloak of darkness — binding me to its chains, Even now when I think about it, I gasp, my muscles convulsing with the memory of blinding pains, But then I see you and it's like watching a dazzeling, brilliant star, It's like watching the clouds disperse, like feeling the warmth of the sun, like watching something that should not be — words will never justify the feelings inside of me. Feeling myself waking, Feeling the chains finally shaking, I don't know how to describe this feeling — something new, something wonderful, something terrible — feeling my skin pealing ... Whether I live or I die, at least I've known this feeling, whether you spurn this or adore this, at least I know that you've read this, whether you curse me or you love me, at least I know that you've seen me.

Originally written back in 2014.

I dream. I dream and I see. I see a sharp object in a hand. I see the hand making thin and shallow lines on a skin. I see the skin seperating, revealing blood. I feel. I feel the skin separating, revealing pain. I feel my heart beating faster. I see. I see the blood dripping. I see it pooling. I see it. I hear. I hear a scream. I hear a terrible scream. I become aware then. I become aware of my scream. My voice. My trembling voice. All the while knowing. Knowing that this is a dream. A dream. I dream. I know. I dream, and so, I know. Yet. Yet, what do I know? For when I awaken. For if I awaken, I know this won't have happened. I know this. Yet, I remember. I remember knowing things before they were taken. I know I remember. Yet, what good are memories if they are lies? Does one jugde ones worth trough other means, and not through memories? For are we not on the basic of levels beings with desires and with flawes and of memories? Memories. Oh, memories. The self righteous will laugh at this. They will laugh their cruel laughs and speak ill of those unlike them. But then I wonder. I wonder whether they really are the self righteous ones, and if its not the opposite. Even if I were to somehow awaken. Awaken with the knowledge that what has come to pass, has had a meaning for the greater parts of the unknown, I think I would be unhappy with the answer. For even if the answer was something I was driven to search all my life, I think it would've been over shadowed by the fact that the present was something of a dismal utopian nightmare. A nightmare. Yes. Not a dream. But a nightmare. Even if a single cause was greater than all other causes combined, the present would've outweighted my feelings and desires and my decisions. To live or to die? The answer, as always, aflux. I feel. I see. And I know.

When you see someone for the first time and you feel yourself falling for the person already without even knowing anything about her? It's called love.

I'm not going to be pretentious and talk about this subject. No, there are a plethora of articles and books available online. What I'm going to put into words is what I feel.

I came across her profile, as is bound to happen in the 21th century. The first picture I saw of her, made something tingle inside my heart. And before I knew it, I was looking through her profile, and reading her bio and other information she had shared.

I don't know whether we have soulmates, but that's the closest to I can come to describe the feelings I have for her. It isn't just physical attraction, nor is it purely intellectual or even emotional.

But obviously you can't just begin by confessing your feelings for someone you don't even know. That's a sure-fire way of getting blocked, imo.

No.

We began chatting with each other, and we hit it off pretty instantaneously. Video calls, voice notes, audio calls, and we even met up for a date.

But you see, all the while she was dealing with a heartbreak. Something so intense, that she never really got a chance to examine whether she felt anything for me or not. At least, that is how I see it.

She tried explaining herself to me, but the problem I was dealing with now, since we'd already had had contact, day and night for more than a month at this point, was that I'd already been dreaming about a future with her.

Now, when you psychoanalyze the emotions I'm presenting, you'll find yourself wondering whether it really had to do with my feelings toward her, or whether it has to do with loneliness and other psychological issues I may have. And I will not deny that it may be that I am lonely, but that's beside the point really. Having a background in psychology gives you certain insights into the human psyche, and while no one can claim to being objective when dealing with their own emotions, I am a 100% certain of everything I am feeling.

Therefore, I am currently going through a very difficult period. I don't know how to deal with some of the emotions. I mean, yeah I know HOW but I can't seem to be able to apply any of my knowledge here.

It will take some time, obviously. I know.

But I feel like I don't even care about anything anymore. Everything I was passionate about previously, seems like nonsense now.

Everytime I think about a future without her, I feel like I want to give up. And at the same time, I also feel rage. Rage that someone else will be beside her. Someone else will have the opportunity to share a life with her.

And this rage is so all consuming at the moment that it's turning into apathy. And it seems that apathy's wings are closing around me again.

Took 6 years for it to rear its head again, but here it is.

Rejoice!

Is “Rejoice, a Knife to the Heart” just wishful thinking? Or is it a harsh wake up call for the rest of us. Is it a call to arms? Or is it a call to our innate compassion?

An alien civilization dismantles every known human concept. There are no borders.

Much as Draconus had etched in that stone in Forge of Darkness, the aliens hammer into everything: There Will Be Peace.

Humans have to re-evaluate everything they believed in. No longer the custodians of the Earth. No longer able to express their emotions in the form of violence. No longer ... free. Emasculation in all but name.

Erikson is the god of storytelling, and with his latest science fiction novel he proves that his talent knows no bounds.

The question now isn't whether people will be offended by any of it; they will be. Nor is it whether any of what he wrote is plausible; it is.

The question is whether we will learn anything from it.

And I think the answer is a forgone conclusion already: no.

Alter Bridge's The Last Hero is appropriate to quote here.

“Can you hear the marching, beating of the drums? Once again the dogs are out for blood Words and accusations, history revised But time is gonna tell that you were right

Oh how you tried I know that you tried To save us

Save us”