When you see someone for the first time and you feel yourself falling for the person already without even knowing anything about her? It's called love.
I'm not going to be pretentious and talk about this subject. No, there are a plethora of articles and books available online. What I'm going to put into words is what I feel.
I came across her profile, as is bound to happen in the 21th century. The first picture I saw of her, made something tingle inside my heart. And before I knew it, I was looking through her profile, and reading her bio and other information she had shared.
I don't know whether we have soulmates, but that's the closest to I can come to describe the feelings I have for her. It isn't just physical attraction, nor is it purely intellectual or even emotional.
But obviously you can't just begin by confessing your feelings for someone you don't even know. That's a sure-fire way of getting blocked, imo.
No.
We began chatting with each other, and we hit it off pretty instantaneously. Video calls, voice notes, audio calls, and we even met up for a date.
But you see, all the while she was dealing with a heartbreak. Something so intense, that she never really got a chance to examine whether she felt anything for me or not. At least, that is how I see it.
She tried explaining herself to me, but the problem I was dealing with now, since we'd already had had contact, day and night for more than a month at this point, was that I'd already been dreaming about a future with her.
Now, when you psychoanalyze the emotions I'm presenting, you'll find yourself wondering whether it really had to do with my feelings toward her, or whether it has to do with loneliness and other psychological issues I may have. And I will not deny that it may be that I am lonely, but that's beside the point really. Having a background in psychology gives you certain insights into the human psyche, and while no one can claim to being objective when dealing with their own emotions, I am a 100% certain of everything I am feeling.
Therefore, I am currently going through a very difficult period. I don't know how to deal with some of the emotions. I mean, yeah I know HOW but I can't seem to be able to apply any of my knowledge here.
It will take some time, obviously. I know.
But I feel like I don't even care about anything anymore. Everything I was passionate about previously, seems like nonsense now.
Everytime I think about a future without her, I feel like I want to give up. And at the same time, I also feel rage. Rage that someone else will be beside her. Someone else will have the opportunity to share a life with her.
And this rage is so all consuming at the moment that it's turning into apathy. And it seems that apathy's wings are closing around me again.
Took 6 years for it to rear its head again, but here it is.